Parenting Skills: Positive Reframing

Positive reframing can shore up children’s confidence as well. Credit: iStock

Leo Kanner, author of the first textbook on child psychiatry, used to tell anecdotes about two mothers he knew.

One complained that her sons would spread the Sunday comics on the living room floor to read them.

The other, whose sons had done the same thing as children, said it was one of her fondest memories.

He used to argue that the second mother was the better parent, because she had a more positive attitude.

But what was behind that positive attitude?

Perhaps the mother was thinking about how her children were honing their reading skills. Or, how they were sharing both comics and floor space without fighting.

In other words, she was most likely engaging in what we now call positive reframing, the practice of either focusing on the positive aspects of a bothersome situation or just looking at it differently.

Positive reframing helps us see our children, and our children see themselves in a more favourable light.

If this approach is applied to how we view children, the technique can prevent us from overreacting.

Adolescents
When an adolescent does all those adolescent things, such as leaving her room a mess and spending too much time texting, we can take refuge in the knowledge that by challenging authority and connecting with friends, she is working through an important developmental stage.

Positive reframing can help us understand children from different cultures, too.

For example, Native American students often resist participating in competitive learning games such as spelling bees, causing some teachers to see them as disengaged.

However, when the students' resistance is understood as an expression of a cultural bias toward cooperation over competition, the teacher can see strength in it.

Overcoming Aversions
Applied to helping kids interpret their own behaviour, positive reframing can foster growth. It can help overcome aversions, as it did for one young boy who hated bath time.

Knowing he enjoyed war play, his mother got him to see the bath as a place to enact sea battles, bringing in toy ships and using bubble bath to simulate foamy waves.

The mother of a reluctant eater presented broccoli as "dino trees"—which her "brontosaurus" son would then devour.

Fighting Sleep
A couple with a daughter who resisted going to sleep because her room was dark and scary held a dance party in the dark, after which she associated being in the dark with having a good time.

Positive reframing can shore up children's confidence as well.

On the last play of an important ball game, the right fielder on a children's team I coached, dropped a line-drive fly ball (???), which allowed our opponents to score the winning run.

When the boy came to me distraught, I shared what the pitcher had told me, that his last pitch was too easy to hit, resulting in a hard-to-catch line drive.

I also reminded the boy that before the game, I had denied him time in the outfield to practice 'shagging fly balls.'(???)

He went from thinking he had blown the game to understanding that several factors had contributed to our team's loss.

Finally
Even some of the toughest behaviour problems often respond to positive reframing. For instance, when a first-grader made a beeline for the coloured pencils by walking on chairs and desktops, his teacher said, "That's a great idea to use coloured pencils for your journal and you got them all by yourself."

She went on to suggest that in the future, he keep his feet on the floor, which he agreed to do.

Another teacher, faced with a student, James, who suddenly jumped up from a class meeting and started to dance, turned to his classmates and said matter-of-factly, "James likes to dance." James responded by sitting down and rejoining the meeting.

The developmental psychologist Jerome Bruner praises the unflappable Head Start teacher who, while reading "Little Red Riding Hood" to her young students, was stopped short at the famous lines "All the better to eat you!" line.

At this point, one little boy leapt to his feet, furious, and began cursing the wolf, swearing like a sailor. The teacher simply reflected to herself on how much meaning the boy was finding in the story and then asked him how he would have written it differently. The question got him thinking and quieted him down.

We might try to emulate that teacher's self-possession and know-how the next time a kid's shenanigans drive us to salty language ourselves.

Remember, looking on the bright side is for anyone who wants to help children develop while preserving their own sanity.

Peculiar behaviours witnessed in job interviews

Are you on the job hunt and ready to go on your next interview?

Then you should definitely be prepared to avoid the most common interview mistakes.

Dress appropriately, turn off your cell phone, do your research about the company and prepare the most common interview questions.

Appearing disinterested is the No. 1 turnoff for employers.

Also trying too hard to make a lasting impression on a prospective employer in an interview could backfire.

The most common and most outlandish job interview mistakes to avoid, hiring managers provided real-life examples of the most peculiar behaviours they witnessed in job interviews:

• Being asked about the reasons why he quit his last position in a bank, a candidate said it was because he was always tempted to steal.
• Another jobseeker denied that he had a cell phone with him even though it could be heard ringing in the briefcase beside him.
• The next candidate emptied the employer's candy dish into her pocket.
• This applicant was quite honest about his weaknesses. He said he didn't like getting up early and didn't like to read.
• Trying to hide away from the taxman? The candidate asked to be paid "under the table."
• He must have meant it as a friendly gesture. The candidate reached over and placed a hand on the interviewer's knee.
• The candidate commented that he would do whatever it takes to get the job done, legal or not.
• This candidate's interview must have gone really well. He hugged the president of the company.
• The next jobseeker must have been very hungry. He called his wife to see what they were having for dinner.
• Another candidate asked to postpone the start date so she could still get holiday gifts from vendors at her current job.
• This job applicant called in sick to her current employer during the interview, faking an illness.
• The candidate said he didn't want the job if he had to work a lot.
• The next jobseeker wouldn't answer a question because he thought they would steal his idea and not hire him.

A job interview can be one of the most nerve-wracking experiences out there, so it's important to plan and practice.

Have a friend run through a mock interview with you, asking questions you think will come up and some curve balls you're not expecting.

Thoroughly research the company ahead of time and draft responses that incorporate your accomplishments.
The more prepared you are, the less likely you are to run into mishaps.

Addictive and Abusive Behaviour in Children

A new US survey has found that more and more American teens are participating in abusive and addictive behaviours i.e. smoking pot, abusing pain killers and using illicitly-obtained stimulants prescribed to treat Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).
15.9 percent of tenth graders reported using marijuana in the last month. The percentage of eighth graders who considered using ecstasy once or twice a dangerous activity decreased from 42.5 percent in 2004 to 26 percent in 2009.

Abusive Activities
It isn’t just drugs our kids are addicted to. Kids are now playing a very dangerous and abusive game called “the choking game”. This “game” is an abusive activity that involves them choking one another or using improvised nooses to cut off the essential oxygen supply to the brain, just long enough to feel “high” and not long enough to black out, hopefully.

Self Harm
Teens are also using sugary drinks and food as a drug. This comfort eating is causing obesity rates to soar. These are simply avoidance and coping strategies that children are using to avoid facing what's happening in their lives and in the world today. It's like saying that anything will do to get them away from reality.

Obesity in children has the effect of excluding a child from normal competitive activities, not just sports but social activities involving interactivity and relationships between the sexes. This is a more 'comfortable' place for the child to inhabit and once established, it is very difficult to leave.

Positive re-enforcement
Obesity in children can be induced by parents trying to deminstrate their love in an inappropriate way and because the food is provided by a loving, comforting person, the child associates the food with love and comfort. It is this positive re-enforcement that is difficult to overcome.

Technology abuse
Marijuana, pain medication, stimulants, the choking game or fast food are not necessarily the biggest “drugs” to which kids are addicted. They are using their iPods, DSIs, YouTube, reality TV and the modern cult of 'celebrity' as escapism.

They are doing this to shut down their minds, avoid dealing with their feelings and emotions. They have come to substitute these unpredictable and complex emotions with the simpler on/off “high” of being lead by technology and have become voyeurs to other people's distress and emotions, displayed to them on a screen, and categorised as 'entertainment.'

At What Cost?
The price that humanity will pay for raising a generation of substance, technology and artificially stimulated emotion addicts, is probably incalculable. We can certainly expect that teenagers using pot, painkillers, choking each other for kicks, etc will be unable to resolve their emotional and psychological issues, in this way.

Consequently, they face an increased rate not only of repetative substance dependence, underpinned by depression and anxiety and associated physiological disorders, e.g. hypertension, cardiac disease, malignancy, etc.

Puberty and Sex
Unresolved emotional conflicts during puberty lead to greater risk taking in sexual exploration and intercourse becomes the 'perceived' answer. After all that's what the glossy magazines, films, pop stars and popular personalities advocate.

If our young people turn to sex to resolve issues, we can expect higher rates of sexually transmitted diseases, over the next ten years. We have to anticipate more violence from both sexes, because our young people are evolving into adults with little or no real experience or guidance as to how they manage their emotions, including anger, envy and jealousy.

Avoidance of Disruptive Interruptions
There is also a higher likelihood of repeatedly turning to street drugs, to try to contain or avoid the uncomfortable feelings and emotions that arise everyday and in normal human interaction.


Their psyche is broadcasting emotional shockwaves that their immature brains do not understand and cannot, or do not want to, deal with. Therefore it grasps at a familiar avoidance tactic. The drug induced solution turns off or turns down, the level of consciousness and therefore the need to deal with this disruptive 'interruption.'


Life-threatening events
If the distraction becomes a life-threatening event, as in the 'choking' game, then the brain is forced to re-calculate it's priorities. The internal alarm systems trigger and the more dominant and instinctive reactions that are pre-programmed to sustain the life of any human, take over. They stabalises and normalises the body's physiological functions.


The release of adrenalin and nor-adrenalin during these traumatic events create a 'high' feeling, as well as dispelling and discarding any 'non'essential' thoughts, emotions and activities. The troubled thought have been extinguished but only for a limited space of time and is has been done at a huge cost to the body.


There are better ways to resolve troubled thoughts. Ways that are more effective and not only less damaging but also more beneficial and soothing to the psyche.

Muffled Senses
All of this activity can be reduced to the simple adage that you need to get 'high' to enjoy life and to fully participate in life's great adventure. We need to be intoxicated in some, less cognitive and have a more distorted or muffled sense of our present reality. This comes from the 'brand' and 'lifestyle' marketing that our children are faced with all day every day. They have grown up with it, you, as parents have not.

Don't Panic!
I believe there is still hope for our children and that hope is in the parents' hands. Your role, as a parent or guardian, is to show them the pleasure and joy that can exist in being with other people, interacting in a playful non-threatening way, listening to the experiences of their elders or people from other countries.

Show them the benefit of cooperation and collaborative play, the value of each link in the chain of events that leads to a succesful outcome and the resolution of troubling issues. The pessimistic view is too painful to endorse and with effort, it can be changed from this point on. As their parents or guardians, take the lead and break their addiction in a positive, loving and supportive way.

You are invited to share your experiences, successes and concerns with me here. Please post a comment.

Retro-Sexual Behavour on Facebook

As Facebook users have begun to skew older ”the website is now as popular with 30-, 40- and 50-somethings as with the college students who pioneered it”

They have found ways to reconnect with one another and who better to get in touch with than an old flame?

"Facebook makes it easier for you to take that first step of finding someone again," explains Rainer Romero-Canyas, a psychology research scientist at Columbia University. "It has finally provided a way for people to reach out to someone without fear of rejection." The Boston Phoenix even coined a term, retrosexuals, for people who are taking the plunge into recycled love.

"It was like opening a time capsule," says Drew Peterson, a 34-year-old former IT worker from Long Island, New York. Peterson's retro-sexual experience occurred a few years ago when he found his high school girlfriend on MySpace”

"You know, before it became the cyberghetto of the Internet." The two dated during junior and senior year of high school; the last time the two saw each other was on the day they graduated. Sixteen years later, they exchanged MySpace messages, and then Peterson flew from New York to San Francisco to see what had become of the woman who had once captured his teenage heart.

"I knew it wasn't going to turn out like some Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy," Peterson says. "I just wanted to see her again." The pair still got along, although this time just as friends.

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