Parenting Skills: Positive Reframing

Positive reframing can shore up children’s confidence as well. Credit: iStock

Leo Kanner, author of the first textbook on child psychiatry, used to tell anecdotes about two mothers he knew.

One complained that her sons would spread the Sunday comics on the living room floor to read them.

The other, whose sons had done the same thing as children, said it was one of her fondest memories.

He used to argue that the second mother was the better parent, because she had a more positive attitude.

But what was behind that positive attitude?

Perhaps the mother was thinking about how her children were honing their reading skills. Or, how they were sharing both comics and floor space without fighting.

In other words, she was most likely engaging in what we now call positive reframing, the practice of either focusing on the positive aspects of a bothersome situation or just looking at it differently.

Positive reframing helps us see our children, and our children see themselves in a more favourable light.

If this approach is applied to how we view children, the technique can prevent us from overreacting.

Adolescents
When an adolescent does all those adolescent things, such as leaving her room a mess and spending too much time texting, we can take refuge in the knowledge that by challenging authority and connecting with friends, she is working through an important developmental stage.

Positive reframing can help us understand children from different cultures, too.

For example, Native American students often resist participating in competitive learning games such as spelling bees, causing some teachers to see them as disengaged.

However, when the students' resistance is understood as an expression of a cultural bias toward cooperation over competition, the teacher can see strength in it.

Overcoming Aversions
Applied to helping kids interpret their own behaviour, positive reframing can foster growth. It can help overcome aversions, as it did for one young boy who hated bath time.

Knowing he enjoyed war play, his mother got him to see the bath as a place to enact sea battles, bringing in toy ships and using bubble bath to simulate foamy waves.

The mother of a reluctant eater presented broccoli as "dino trees"—which her "brontosaurus" son would then devour.

Fighting Sleep
A couple with a daughter who resisted going to sleep because her room was dark and scary held a dance party in the dark, after which she associated being in the dark with having a good time.

Positive reframing can shore up children's confidence as well.

On the last play of an important ball game, the right fielder on a children's team I coached, dropped a line-drive fly ball (???), which allowed our opponents to score the winning run.

When the boy came to me distraught, I shared what the pitcher had told me, that his last pitch was too easy to hit, resulting in a hard-to-catch line drive.

I also reminded the boy that before the game, I had denied him time in the outfield to practice 'shagging fly balls.'(???)

He went from thinking he had blown the game to understanding that several factors had contributed to our team's loss.

Finally
Even some of the toughest behaviour problems often respond to positive reframing. For instance, when a first-grader made a beeline for the coloured pencils by walking on chairs and desktops, his teacher said, "That's a great idea to use coloured pencils for your journal and you got them all by yourself."

She went on to suggest that in the future, he keep his feet on the floor, which he agreed to do.

Another teacher, faced with a student, James, who suddenly jumped up from a class meeting and started to dance, turned to his classmates and said matter-of-factly, "James likes to dance." James responded by sitting down and rejoining the meeting.

The developmental psychologist Jerome Bruner praises the unflappable Head Start teacher who, while reading "Little Red Riding Hood" to her young students, was stopped short at the famous lines "All the better to eat you!" line.

At this point, one little boy leapt to his feet, furious, and began cursing the wolf, swearing like a sailor. The teacher simply reflected to herself on how much meaning the boy was finding in the story and then asked him how he would have written it differently. The question got him thinking and quieted him down.

We might try to emulate that teacher's self-possession and know-how the next time a kid's shenanigans drive us to salty language ourselves.

Remember, looking on the bright side is for anyone who wants to help children develop while preserving their own sanity.

Over-confidence leads unto temptation

Have you ever been tempted to smoke?

Perhaps Oscar Wilde was speaking for all of us when he said: "I can resist everything except temptation."

Loran Nordgren at the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University in Chicago and colleagues confirmed this while looking at the importance of "restraint bias" – the way people miscalculate how much temptation they can handle.

They found that the people who were least confident at their ability to resist fared best – because they kept temptation well out of their way.

In one experiment, 53 smokers were invited to undergo a battery of diagnostic tests. The first test was bogus and used only to sort them randomly into two groups. Members of one group were then told they had a "high capacity for impulse control", while the others were labelled "low".

The subjects were then asked to watch a 30-minute clip of the film "Coffee and Cigarettes" and told that they would win money if they managed not to smoke for the duration of the film. They were given a cigarette and had to decide where to leave it: in another room, on a desk, in their hand or in their mouth.

The closer to their mouth they left the cigarette, the more money they stood to gain if they resisted temptation.

Can you hack it...

People in the group that had been led to believe they had poor impulse control were more likely to leave the cigarette on the desk or in the other room.

Those who had been told they had good impulse control risked holding it or even putting it in their mouths but the closer to their mouth someone left the cigarette, the more likely they were to light up. "People with the most confidence were the most likely to fail," says Nordgren.

Other experiments supported this conclusion. In a field study, former smokers who had quit for three weeks were asked how confident they were about their self-control and what temptations they were actively avoiding.

Four months later, 60 per cent of the most confident, who were the least careful about avoiding triggers, had resumed smoking, whereas only 40 per cent of the more vigilant folks had.

"We don't appreciate how powerful temptation can be," says Nordgren, and our brains may prime us for addiction. Avoiding the temptation altogether is the only way to stay out of trouble, he says.

The Interview: Don't put them to sleep! Stand out!

So, you have finally landed that big interview with the company of your dreams. Now what? Are they as interested in you as you are in them?

This script walks you through the interview process, from preparation to follow-up; How to make a strong first impression and answer interview questions, and you'll learn to recognise the verbal and nonverbal communications you should employ and avoid, so you can ace the interview.

Prepare, prepare, prepare,...

Interviews are designed to assess whether you, the candidate, can do the job at hand, whether you'll spring into action once on the job, and whether you fit with the company's culture and management team. To prepare for your interview, you should anticipate what questions you may be asked and craft quality responses to them. You should be prepared to answer the following questions:

• What are your strengths? You should highlight the strengths the company needs to address its current challenges.
• How would you describe your management style? You could say something like, "I used to prefer a top-down management style, but I've found that when I involve people in a decision it's easier to get their commitment and almost always results in a better outcome."
• Why should we hire you? Again, explain how your strengths align with the company's needs.
• How much money are you looking for? Be careful of this trap. If you ask for too much, you knock yourself out of consideration. If you ask for too little, you sell yourself short. A good tip is to quote third-party research and answer with a range. An even better approach is to ask the interviewer about the company's compensation philosophy e.g., What are the components and how are they adjusted?

Weaknesses and Failed Projects

You're certain to be asked about failed projects, so don't get caught off guard when the hiring manager tosses that one your way. Be honest without being defensive and beware of giving phony-sounding answers, such as "It really wasn't my fault," or "I warned them it wouldn't work."

Corrective Action

When telling your interviewer about projects that went off track, be sure to describe the smart corrective action you took, the end result and the lessons you learned. For example, you might describe how you proactively involved others: "As soon as I saw that we weren't going to meet the customer's deadline, I immediately called a meeting with everyone on the project. We were able to renegotiate with the customer and minimize our losses. Ultimately the customer respected our honesty and was able to work with us on a solution."

Your interviewer will also ask you about your biggest flaw. Mention only one and describe the steps you've taken to correct it. For example, "I'm not good at speaking in front of groups, but I enrolled myself in an executive presentations program and have gotten much better."

Beware of mentioning flaws without realizing it. For example, if you say that you seek to avoid conflict at all costs, your interviewer might think you can't deal with conflict or that you have a "head in the sand" management style. Similarly, if the interviewer asks you if you've implemented a specific software package and if you haven't, don't say, "I haven't done it, but I can learn." That's the wrong answer.

Be Engaging

For any question, a factual response isn't enough. You have to engage the interviewer with stories that make the facts compelling. When you're interviewing for executive-level positions, the hiring manager is looking for someone who communicates well, who's not going to be an embarrassment at a board meeting, and who can lead and inspire his or her staff. Rather than describe the functions for which you were responsible, describe incidents that illustrate how you handled problems and opportunities—and the bottom-line results. Create scenes, characters and action, but stick to the OAR model to avoid too much detail and digression:

O: What was the Opportunity or challenge you faced?
A: What Action did you take?
R: What were the Results?

Practice makes....prizes?

Practice your responses with the aid of video, audio, a mirror or a trusted friend who'll give you honest feedback about how confident and knowledgeable you sound and look. You have to come across as spontaneous rather than rehearsed. Pat answers such as "I am a participative manager" or "I am a workaholic, working day and night until a project is done" can make you sound like an automaton. Don't go over the line that separates a polished answer from a slick one. In other words, don't try to sound like a superhero by beginning every sentence with "I", "Me" and "My" or by overstating your role.

Memorise

Memorise key facts and dates—both about the company with which you're interviewing and your work history—so that you don't have to dive into your briefcase for the information.

Unique Solution

Finally, don't think of yourself as an applicant for the job for which you're interviewing. You're a unique solution to the company's business problems. Thinking of yourself as a solution will give you confidence in your ability to help the company meet its strategic goals, and your confidence will resonate with the hiring manager during the interview. Thinking of yourself as a solution will also help you define your role in the new company, negotiate the compensation package you deserve and gain acceptance as a peer when you start working with the management team.

The Big Day

The day of the interview, arrive at least 15 minutes ahead of time. While you wait, think of yourself as the solution the company needs and assure yourself that the interview is going to go well. You should also use your time to observe employees coming and going: Do they look happy to be there?

Smile, though your heart is breaking....

When you're brought into the office or conference room where the interviewer is waiting for you, walk in with a smile on your face, your head up and your shoulders back. Shake the interviewer's hand firmly. Repeat his or her name with a smile when you're introduced. Repeat the interviewer's name at appropriate opportunities throughout the conversation. Everyone responds to hearing hisown name. It makes the interviewer listen more intently.

Don't sit until you're asked. Given a choice of seats, avoid the sofa. You'll sink into it like quicksand. Choose a hardback chair. Sit upright with your hands on your knees. Don't cross your legs or your arms. Crossed limbs unconsciously signal defensiveness.

Active Listening

While the interviewer speaks, show you're listening carefully by nodding your head and thoughtfully rephrasing her sentences. Make certain you understand the questions she's asking. Don't assume they're the ones for which you rehearsed answers. Try to divine what's behind each question. For example, the interviewer may ask if you've handled an SAP conversion, but really she wants to know how smoothly the conversion went, if was on time and within budget.

If you're unsure how to answer a question, take time to reflect on it or ask a clarifying question to give yourself more time to form an answer. Tell them it's an interesting question and then restate what you believe they have asked you.

Be Attentive and Energetic.

As you interact with the interviewer, stay lively. Gesture often and naturally. Smile at the least provocation. Smiling helps you feel you're doing well. Look the interviewer in the eye. If you're being interviewed by a group, maintain eye contact with everyone, one at a time, changing with each point you make rather than scanning the audience.

The interview is going to go well and you're going to feel increasingly relaxed. But take care not to become too relaxed, which can lead you to make a careless comment or acting too familiar. You should remain deferential throughout the interview. Don't say anything negative about your present employer, even if invited. Discuss compensation only if asked.

What are Your Questions

By the end of the interview, you'll probably be asked if you have questions. Whether you're invited to ask questions or not, always ask a few:

• What are you looking for in candidates for this position?
• How would I be measured?
• What challenges would I have to tackle first?

Don't ask for any information about the company that can be found with a simple Internet search.

Finish with a Song

Seriously, when the interview winds down, ask if the interviewer got the information he wanted. Offer to provide more information, especially if the interviewer hasn't asked you about something in your background that you believe is important to the position. Don't offer references until you're asked for them.

Do you want the job?

The end of the interview may be your last chance to make it clear you want the job. To do so without sounding desperate, make a positive statement of interest, such as, "I am vitally interested in this opportunity. Are there any concerns you have about my candidacy for the position?" Also ask about next steps. The first impression you make is the most important one of the meeting. The impression you leave at the end of the interview ranks second.

The Follow-Up

Take notes about the meeting as soon as it's over. Note areas where you feel you didn't answer adequately so that you can reinforce the subject matter in your follow-up correspondence. You'll also want to remember who said what as you plan the follow-up process.

Send a letter thanking the interviewer for seeing you, expressing once more why you're a good fit for the job and offering to provide any additional information the hiring manager may need.

Keep following up, methodically but without being a nuisance. Yes, it's a tricky balance but the job often goes to the person who wants it most.